Take

• A 290 pound man
• A campground with lots of steps, and rough up and down pathways.
• Drive from to sea level to 6800 feet (2072m) in less than 3 hours

What do you get? A man who is breathless.

This is the third year I’ve gone on this church retreat. The first year I was able to climb from the Lodge up to the top of the mountain. It was hard as hell and there were points which I wanted to curl up and let the coyotes take care of me. But I made it.

The second year the mountain looked down on me with an evil glare to let me know to not even try. I was able to move around a bit gasping for more air. It was horrendous but again, I overcame my struggle around camp. I was even able to participate in dancing on Saturday night. I had a gay old time.

This was the third year. Oh, for the love of God, kill me. Not only did the evil mountain glare at me, the steps around the camp and up to my cabin laughed as I struggled each one by one. I was like a fish out of water gasping for air.

Exhausted, I slept a lot this year. I did pop in on the dance Saturday night. I joined in on one line dance and practically fainted. I was about to leave when a familiar tune started playing…YMCA. You may not be aware of this, but there are two songs, YMCA and I Will Survive, that are illegal for a gay man to walk out on. Not wanting to commit a felony and have my gay card revoked, I joined in on the usual YMCA dance routine with Maurice and the crowd. Once done and practically crawling at this point. I looked at the steps grinning wickedly at me and surmounted them back to my cabin where I collapsed to sleep.

The meals were very good and not the least bit healthy. There were vegetarian and vegan options, which were of course healthier, but this was the mountains. Good old fashioned grub would only do. The sad thing is that not only was old fashioned fattening grub necessary, but it was also necessary I go back through the line twice during every meal. Hey, it was good enough for the lumberjacks wasn’t it? On top of all that, I won’t get into all the sugary goodness we enjoyed on the trips up and back.

I didn’t get weighed last week, but am scheduled to the clinic this week. I just hope the sore muscles in my legs means all the walking around camp made up for the “hearty” meals I enjoyed.

By the way, regarding the entire aspects of the trip: I had an incredible time. The best time I’ve gone and I look forward to it again next year. I’ve already set a goal to make it back up that mountain top on the next retreat. The view would leave you breathless.