• Some of you are having problems with my RSS feeds, some aren’t. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I’m still working on it. Sorry about that.

Yesterday I wrote that I was reminiscing about where I’ve been and where I am today in regards to my disease. I said I would share my thoughts with you. Sorry folks, I’m no longer in that space…….OK, OK, put down the pitchforks and torches and I’ll do the best I can. I’m sure as soon as I get started the feelings will come back to me again.

As I hear from many diagnosed bipolar, I struggled with jobs over the years. Even when I was most successful, it was a challenge, and challenge is an understatement. I always had bosses who were pleased with my productivity and were therefore willing to put up with my “eccentricities”. One boss loved me. He was pleased at my work but laughed at my methods. He once said to me,

“It’s up to you how you choose to get your work done. Continue doing it the way you do, which is what I think you prefer, but that means you end up here in the office late at night. Or you can be more organized and get out of here at a decent hour. I’m happy either way as long as the work gets done.”

Little did he know it wasn’t a choice. As a matter of fact. I didn’t know. I thought I was just frustrated and crazy….and I was right.

Even though I didn’t know I had a disease at the time, I was very good at compensating for the cyclone in my brain end results were good. But then…BAM! Things started changing. I became moodier than normal and a psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depression. This is also around the period I had my first bout of seizures. They only lasted a month or so and went away so the Doc said “No big woopty doo” and I moved on.

I was spiraling downhill fast, so fast, that the VP of my division told me she couldn’t afford to lose me and to let her know any location I wanted to move to and she’d take care of me. I should stress that this was a major Fortune 500 company with locations in virtually every U.S. city and the world, however, what I can only determine was a moment of mania…or insanity…or perhaps, clarity…or all of the above….Oh, hell, I have no damn idea, but in a moment of something I gave her my two months notice. I was just too exhausted to keep juggling the balls to look like it was easy anymore.

Upon giving notice I was immediately scooped up by a smaller, private company who wanted me for my “excellent” experience. Given they were in the LA area and I’d started a long distance relationship with someone in LA, I moved here. I have few regrets in my life but this is the biggest. Here I’d had the opportunity for my company to move me to be in the same city as my daughter and instead I chose to be with someone I barely knew because I was so craved for someone to love me. That’s not neccarily part of being bipolar. In fact, it’s a sickness of it’s own, I believe, and not the tale I’m here to tell. On the other hand, I do think things unfold for a reason and it’s likely best I wasn’t with my daughter. The events that followed when I moved to Los Angeles, I believe, were likely to happen anywhere and I’m pleased that my kid didn’t witness them.

As usual, the management at the new company loved me. Poor souls, didn’t know what they were getting into for this is when things began to get really out of control and two old friends from back in my college age days came back into my life – alcohol and cocaine. I was just as happy to see them as they were to see me…my bartenders and dealers were especially happy to see me.

It is at this point I will be evil and leave you in suspense. Part II will be tomorrow. For the newer folks to my blog, much of it will be an abbreviated version of when I bottomed out on drugs and alcohol which you can find here: Brad’s Bottom

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Because psych medications can make you very hungry, my pdoc recommended I take Metamucil to fill me up. I’ve spoken to many bipolar and depressed individuals who were advised the same. YUCK. It’s great if you enjoy a glass of water and sawdust. So, others have suggested the new “delicious” orange flavored Metamucil. YUCK. Orange flavored sawdust is still sawdust.

There’s a new product on the market so I don’t know where else they’re sold. They are Benefiber Fiber Supplements plus Calcium. I get the Wild Berry Chewables. Not only do they do a damn good job of filling me up….they taste great. Hell, I’d almost eat them as candy…ALMOST. They taste a lot like Sweethearts. If you are taking some kind of nasty fiber drink or pills, etc. I highly recommend these.

Shakey and anxiety ridden today. I don’t know why. It’s been hard to type this post today. I did get up for my morning walk around 5:30 after a good nights rest and I have seemed more stable. Sometimes I think people who suffer from bipolar and depression get too worked up when they have bad days like this. They say in writing that sometimes an orange is just an orange. Maybe today anxiety is just anxiety and not necessarily any hidden meaning behind it. It could have nothing to do with my meds or anything impending. I’ll ride it out and assume you’ll be able to get the second half of the story tomorrow.