When I decided to come back I was looking forward to an entirely different blog. I anticipated making this a breezy journal about the simple happenings in my day to day life. Sure, I planned to be honest about the ups and downs in my life, but had no intention for that to be the focus.
I think my subconscious knew the reality of what’s going on.
I feel I’m losing my sanity. All sense of reality.
Now I feel I made a big mistake. This is not a side of me I wanted the general public to see. This is not a side I wanted my readers to see. This is not a side I wanted my colleagues to see.
I’m now thinking this was all a big mistake. While I have no intention of sharing this post on Facebook, some who I don’t want to see this part of me will.
My daughter sent me a message on my birthday to ask if I’d like to talk. I have never turned her down. In fact, I’m the one always reaching out to her. I didn’t have the energy to chat with her at the time so I told her I was extremely busy and would get back with her. I’m still in shock that I did that.
So, here I am again. Exposing my soul because I don’t know where else to go.
I’m hanging on by a very thin thread here. A complete and total breakdown would be a relief. It’s the fighting that is so exhausting.
I hear you. My stress level recently has made a breakdown seem inevitable too, though I wouldn’t say I’d welcome it. Keep fighting, but rest when you need to.
I’ve been taking naps. It seems the only relief I can get.
It’s so hard being in that place of despair. Does Maurice know? Hugs to you.
Yes, Maurice knows. He sees these things about to hit before I do, except this is the worst its been in a very long time. It scares him and he feels helpless. He admitted he doesn’t know what he’s going to do if we have to start this thing all over again. I don’t think he can handle it.
I’m so very sorry to hear of your struggle. Although I am not bipolar, I do struggle with depression and it was just one year ago that everything exploded and I couldn’t work for two weeks. The fight is totally exhausting. Keep reaching out to your on-line audience and your friends. You have value to each of them.
Thank you, Chelle.
What are your inpatient options Brad?
If it gets much worse, an inpatient program is an option. All my insurance goes through Torrance Memorial. They don’t have a mental health facility, but assured me if I need it that they can place me in an inpatient facility that would be covered by insurance. They also assured me it would not be Harbor-UCLA, God forbid.
I don’t know if I have to be a danger to myself or not, which I’m not. I’ll check my insurance. Thank you for a good option.
It takes great strength to reach out like this. The more we as friends, readers, peers and others know gives us that cleaner connection to stand with you. Sending East Coast love
Thank you. Big hugs from the left coast.