I joined weight watchers several months ago, Friends kept telling me that it’s a great program. Yeah, Weight Watchers is the one that you have to track the number of points in a day.

I thought, “this will be easy. I’m happy I can eat whatever I want, I just have to measure the ingredients which will give me the points value of any food.

Have I lost weight? FUCK NO! I gained more than when I started. I now weigh exactly 300 pounds. That’s double what I should weigh. I talked with my pdoc to see if any of the drugs I have cause weight gain. (It was a problem in the past). I never got an answer from him. I think he got distracted.

So…what am I going to do? First, I’m going to continue to walk to a 12 step meeting every morning at 6:00 am. There and back is 2 miles. Not great really, but it’s a start. The other thing I’m going to do is live strictly by the points. (sigh). I lost a good bit of food while counting points and was dropped a few pounds. If I don’t stick with the plan then maybe I’ll quit for now, but I hope not. I’ll continue to keep all of posted.

I had another anxiety attack while shopping at IKEA yesterday (IKEA is a huge furniture that always stays packed with shoppers. People were talking, children were yelling, etc. etc. It reached the point that I had before. I was afraid to touch anything. I wasn’t really there. If I reached down to pick up an item, then it melt in my hands. I was afraid to touch the walls because I feared they would turn into goo that will cling on my arms when I pull them out.

When these kind of attacks occur, it’s best to have Maurice help me. He grabs my hands and talks to me to calm me down and he also walks me to something so that I can see that it’s really solid. I’m grateful to have him as my husband. If Maurice isn’t around I just have to deal with it the best I can. I’ll walk very slowly and won’t touch anything. Finally when I find a wall or other objects, I can feel them. It’s not fun at all. You feel like you don’t belong there or anywhere. It feels like I’m in an isolated world. I’m in a bubble. I can hear people talking but I don’t respond back as much because I’m in this bubble. Anyway, it’s been a long while since this occured.