My anxiety has been out of control and getting worse every day. I’ve been weaning off one of my anti-anxiety meds and thought that may be the culprit, but Maurice and I got out the calendar and checked. Nope, this all started happening before I started reducing the meds. I think it’s just plain old fashion, every day, stress, upon stress, upon stress. Every day I feel more out of control than the last.

Neurology

So, I’ve been having this ongoing problem. My right hand ring-finger and little-finger have been numb for several years now. It was getting seriously bad and I was losing control of them. That’s difficult since I’m right handed.

I’ve said before that I’ve had numerous tests and MRI’s to try and determine the problem and as a result other problems were found, such as some damaged disks and a brain tumor. Don’t worry too much about the tumor. I’ll explain in a minute.

I didn’t like the neurosurgeon who told me that the problems with my hand are not neurological issues. He also suggested surgery to fix some disks and pooh pooh’d the tumor since it’s benign and doesn’t seem to be growing. I was alone on the visit, so there is much I don’t remember, but I just didn’t like what the neurosurgeon was telling me, or at least how he was saying it.

This week I went to get a 2nd opinion and I liked the guy. He took the time, with visual aids, to explain the cervical issues I’m having. He also took the brain tumor more seriously. He agreed it’s benign and that it doesn’t appear to be growing, but stressed the importance of getting it checked regularly to ensure it’s not growing because of the dangerous area where it’s located.

As for my cervical spine, he doesn’t want to just start cutting away like it seemed my other neurosurgeon does. He wants to run me through a whole series of more tests. I think more MRI’s are on his list, taken from different angles.

Maurice may go with me back to the original neurosurgeon to see if I comprehended everything accurately. Cost is another issue. My original neurosurgeon does not charge more than what Medicare pays and neither does the hospital where I’ve gotten all my tests. The 2nd opinion guy does charge more and we have no idea what tests may cost since they’d be done at a different hospital

Family

I have the most wonderful daughter in the world. You may think yours is, and I’ll let you believe that, but I know the truth. She attends college overseas, so I don’t get the chance to see her much so I was excited when she came back to the states for the summer. Turns out she’s running a summer camp while here and it’s not likely we’ll get the chance to see each other. Breaks my heart.

Taxes

Boy do I have tax problems. I won’t go into detail, but some of my problems go back as far as 20 years. I have received many notices from the IRS and an agent even came to my door once at what happened to be one of the lowest points in my life (trying to find the correct meds,) Talking to Maurice, and myself, she quickly determined I was unable to pay anything and would not likely be for some time. The problems didn’t go away, she just put them on a shelf for awhile.

For the most part, I ignored the problem and the worry and pain over it has gotten worse with each passing year. I know they have much bigger fish to fry, but it doesn’t change the fact that there are days I worry that they’ll come busting in my doors at any moment. I’m currently working with a free tax clinic funded by the IRS. They’ve scheduled a time to meet with me to help with some missing documents, but they will be unable to help with other issues I have to contend with, and stated I need to hire an attorney or accountant to assist me. Being on disability means I’m unlikely to be able to afford either of those, but have been given a couple of numbers to lawyers to try. Given it’s unlikely I’ll be able to afford them, I have a very sharp brother who has offered to help me. He’s willing to fly here so we can meet with the IRS together. It’s great to be moving forward with this, but being in the midst of it all is overwhelming me.

Fitness

This was supposed to be the week that everything changes. So far I haven’t gone on one single morning or evening walk. Well, that’s not true. One day I had to meet with someone near the beach and I took the time for a brief walk, but it wasn’t much.

I’ve been gluttonous. Despite the cut back on the drug that most affects my hunger, I’m still hungry all day long no matter how much I eat. Despite having healthy food around, there was one day that I couldn’t resist and went to the International food market across the street. I had one of their beef shawarmas. They don’t just serve shawarmas, they serve SHAWARMAS…the things are massive. Later, Maurice and I went to grab some ice cream.

Hoping for Better Days Ahead

While not a complete list in any way, that gives you an idea of why anxiety is kicking my ass right now. I can’t concentrate, sometimes I cry for no reason, and sometimes I feel disconnected with the whole world. All I can do now is keep on keeping on and hope after working through one problem after another that I’ll work through much of my anxiety. Looking for better days.