Miss Granich was a mean old bitch. She was the most disliked teacher in my high school and for Mark and I the dislike was most intense. She was the French teacher. I took Spanish so I was lucky enough to never have her as a teacher, but I did know her from monitoring and chastising in the hallways. She was very much like the bald Vice Principal in Back To The Future. Mark also took Spanish, but was doomed each year to have her as his homeroom teacher. We both also had to endure her from time to time in detention. I swear the woman must’ve requested to be over detention hall each year.

One day Mark and I devised the best prank ever. We planned to sneak to the school at night and release either a pig or some chickens inside. This plan would be easy because I was in high school before all the new developments were built. My school was in the middle of the country surrounded by cattle pasture, corn fields and forest. We discussed where to release the poor critters and of course we decided Miss Granich’s room would be the perfect target.

First we had to make sure our plan would work and that would require additional help. Todd took French during the last period of the day so we had him open the lock on the old bitches window on Thursday. Friday morning the window was still unlocked when Mark checked it. It was still unlocked at the end of the day when Todd checked it. Step one of our nefarious plan was in place.

There was a chicken farm not far from the school so Mark and I decided we would use chickens. A pig would probably be too heavy and chickens in a room for a weekend would make a horrible mess.

Step two required that we determine how often the police patrolled the school. There was a minimum security prison nearby so we were certain they had reqular patrols. We planned to clock the police patrol on Friday night and carry out our plan on Saturday night.

It was one of those rare extremely cold nights in North Carolina. There was snow on the ground. Temperatures remained below freezing. Mark and I hiked across the cow pasture so we could lay low in a gully and watch the road. We took a bottle of Whiskey to help keep us warm. We watched and watched for several hours and barely a car went by. Never did we see a police car. We were excited because this was going to be easier than we thought.

We decided to go home and finalize our plot for the next evening when suddenly I slipped and fell into a creek. I broke through the ice and was soaked from head to toe. The water on me immediately began to freeze. We rushed to Marks beat up old station wagon his parents gave him. Before we reached the car my teeth began chattering to the point that I’m certain they were heard throughout the entire county.

Mark’s car had no heater so I shook and my teeth chattered the whole way home. Once home, I was able to dry off my frozen purple skin. Mark and I drank some more whiskey and we both fell asleep. Him sleeping on my bedroom floor.

When we woke up the next day we didn’t even speak of our evil plan again. It was the greatest caper that never was.