Mood
My winning streak of staying balanced is over, but I didn’t completely crash and burn either…at least not for long. On Wednesday I started feeling depressed. I tried to come up with a reason why this was happening, but couldn’t come up with anything situational. When I experienced disassociation that afternoon, I knew this wasn’t looking good.
Thursday was bad. Deep dark depression bad. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I’ve experienced before, but there were a couple of times that I laid in bed and cried for no reason. Maurice sent a text telling me to go get the mail so I’d get outside and I immediately responded, “NO.”
I am a rapid cycler so I’m fortunate that many of my spells don’t last long, especially since being on meds. Friday I was better already. I wasn’t great, but better, and I was able to get my ass outside for a few minutes. Normally I would likely rebound into a manic state, but my meds have been good for avoiding mania. I wish they worked as well for depression and anxiety.
Last week I mentioned that I planned to talk with my therapist about going to Voc Rehab to see about getting back to the workforce. We did talk about me getting more study on web design. It was an idea I floated around a bit, but decided not to pursue it because I didn’t think I could handle having to market myself. Not once during that time period did I think about working for someone else. I found that rather funny. So, my therapist and I discussed it a bit and he agrees with Maurice that I need to finish my novel first. I have to stay focused and finish something, which I rarely do. So for now, I’ll continue doing what I’m doing and will revisit work options down the road.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on July 30 – 255.6
Weight on August 06 – 257.2
Total gain = 1.6 lbs.
Last month I lost nearly 10 lbs. and this month I started out the gate by gaining 1.6 lbs. My reaction to that is THANK GOD!!! I had expected to gain much, much more. Maurice and I had a splurge last weekend and were fine with it. We knew we had the rest of the week to make it up. WRONG!!! The rest of the week was shaky overall, but when the depression hit, it was no holds barred. I could have saved a lot of steps had I just moved the refrigerator right smack dab in the living-room.
We didn’t have a lot of food in the house, so I had to be creative. At one point I opened a can of pumpkin and started eating it with a spoon. I thought since it’s generally used for making pies that it would be pretty tasty because they’d put sweetener in it. As it turned out it was 100% pumpkin and just about the nastiest food I’ve ever put in my mouth.
Writing
Writing? What writing? Actually, I didn’t get as much as I should in, but I’m mostly satisfied with what I did. I’ve found myself studying again. I read articles about m/m (male/male) fiction and its special nuances, so I decided I need to read at least a couple of books to get the gist. I’m finding reading the books has been enlightening to say the least.
For now I’m still stuck on chapters 9 and 10, which is about halfway through the novel, but it will now be my primary activity in the coming weeks. It must be.
Synopsis
It’s hard for me to grade the week overall. I mean, my mood was awful, I gained weight, and I’ve gotten very little writing done, but it doesn’t feel like a bad week overall. I guess on a 1 – 10 scale, I’ll give it a 5…maybe a 4, but I’ll say 5. I’ll raise my glass of sparkling cider up and say “Here’s to a better week.”
Well done! Why? You managed not to crash and burn and you got some productive work (studying/reading) done. It looks to me like you focused on what you could manage to do rather than what you couldn’t do. Thats a great tool to help limit the slide down. So, again I say well done.
I love the way you put it, Journey. Thank you for the new perspective.
Wishing you a better week, my friend!
You and I both had tough weeks in terms of our Lose It! quest, didn’t we?
But I have hope because your attitude *rocks* – you’re not doing the “all or nothing” thing, if you know what I mean! I continue to be proud of you and inspired by you.
p.s. We’re in west Tahoe, bear country, so I can’t help but think of you often! There was a bear in our yard here last week; if I see him/her I’ll send your warmest ursine regards! 😉
Send my regards to him, from a safe distance, of course. We’ll both get back on track. Enjoy your vacation.
I will send your regards! ?
Some dork left out a bag of garbage in the yard here last week, which of course is a signal to bears that means “Hey, you human fool, I’m coming over STAT!” in bear-ese. Craig & I know better than to do that!
On the way up here yesterday, we had a car trip from hell. I asked to stop off to grab an iced coffee & no one wanted to join me. Alone at a Starbucks counter in tony yuppified Danville, I faced my nemesis a foot away from my gaping maw: A stack of amazing, locally made, handcrafted, non-Starbucks milk chocolate in several tantalizing-sounding flavors. I made the staff person helping me laugh by literally petting the row of chocolate bars, whilst I briefly touched upon my challenge. But I just said no to those bars – ’twas a minor miracle – and despite wanting to binge last night, I held off. Not sure why these urges are hitting me at this point; perhaps it’s self-sabotage now that I reached my goal, but I’m going to blog about it later this week! That topic gives me, um, plenty of food for thought? (that’s so bad……? I know it is!)
Hey, you skipped the chocolates – good on you. That’s a big accomplishment. I did indulge myself a bit this weekend, as I do most weekends (just not too crazy.) I’m looking forward to this week because I feel I’m definitely back on the saddle again,
It could be self sabotage. That’s what happened to me when I lost 90 lbs. Thankfully I didn’t gain it all back, which is what typically happens to the average bear.
p.s. Know how you opened that can of pumpkin & started eating it with a spoon?
Well, it’s not a competition between us, LOL, but yours truly opened up a can of almond butter and started pounding THAT with a spoon @ 100/spoonful & 10 spoons at least.
I wish I had pumpkin in the house instead that night!!!!!!! ?
No, I love pumpkin, but straight out from the can was not a pleasant experience
LOL! Hey, did you change the header picture? I love that polar bear.
And if you didn’t change it, for the record, I don’t do LSD or MDMA or any of that stuff! I just space out on the obvious sometimes!
I was wondering when someone would notice. The entire look has changed. I saw that bear pic and fell in love with it. He looks very Zen to me so I’ve switched to a more minimalist theme.
Glad the week.wasn’t a total bust. I noticed the new bear too. I like him. It’s the only change noticeable on mobile. I’m sure the other changes I’ll see if I get on my laptop.
No, it could have better, but I’ve had much, much worse. Not a total bust. Glad you like the new bear.
nice picture of this bear
Thank you, I like it too
I agree with your friend journeyupward. And I’ll add to it that you stayed sober too! Plus you designed this awesome new web presence. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I wish you could call or message when you feel that bad. But I know I don’t either, so I get it. I can’t wait to read the novel! I think finishing it is a great idea! ?
Yeah, the times you most need to call someone to talk to is when the phone weighs a thousand pounds. I’m glad you like the new look and are excited about the novel. I am too
Here’s to a better week this week.