Mood
I thought things would get better and I couldn’t have been more wrong. This past week was a living hell. On Tuesday I posted an article titled Trapped because that’s how I was feeling. My depression got very bad and I was feeling trapped in many ways.
Primarily my feeling of entrapment was from my desire to leave the country. It started with us wanting to leave because of our anger over a Trump presidency, but it’s more than that. A large part is to add an exciting adventure as a chapter in our lives together. Regardless of the reason, we’re trapped. The cost to emigrate is more than we can do no matter where that may be. I’m still feeling trapped. Trapped in many aspects of my life which I will cover in tomorrow’s post.
My Wednesday was even more depressing than Tuesday. I haven’t hit such a low level in years. I was in a deep dark abyss wallowing in anger, pain and self-pity. Things did change Wednesday night. I was curled up in bed and I felt like my depression broke. It was just like having a flu when you feel your fever break. Also, just like the flu, it wasn’t completely gone the next several days, but I was better. Getting a little better with each day. It still hasn’t dissipated.
I’m also kicking my ass about the novel. Why have I been wasting my time writing it when I could have been spending my time writing erotica. It takes less work and is easier to sell. (some writers of erotica would argue that.) It’s possible that my pittance that I receive from Disability would get me into some countries, but I would struggle and it certainly would not be enough for the country to allow both Maurice and I to enter.
Just to make things clear, the depression WAS NOT, and still IS NOT, situational. It is coming from deep inside my soul. It’s just what’s happening on my outsides are making it all worse.
Anxiety has been eating at me also. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to increase my meds, but two days last week I had to add an extra anti-anxiety pill. They helped a little, but not much. Certainly not enough.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on Nov. 26: 256.0 lbs.
Weight on Dec, 03: 260.8 lbs.
Total gain: 4.8 lbs.
I think the numbers speak for themselves. I was dealing with such uncomfortable feelings that I tried to eat them away every day. If it was sweet, then I wanted it and most likely had it. I promised I’d never hit 260 lbs or more ever again and I blew it. It’s times like these that make me feel it’s not even worth trying anymore.
Writing
Hardly worth talking about. I was given some welcome feedback from a friend of mine who I allowed to read my messy draft. He was a police detective and now works as a private eye. He gave me excellent info that requires that I make some changes. They aren’t too huge, but it does involve adding a new character, but I haven’t done that yet.
Last month was NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) where writers (many of whom are bloggers) are challenged to write 50,000 words in one month. No one expects anything publishable, but it’s hope for many that it will be a kick in the ass to get something started. I have been writing for over a year and I only have 35,000 words. Granted, I’m sure it’s more coherent, but that’s still a long time.
Synopsis
Everything about last week was bad. My mood was disastrous, my health and fitness were jokes and my writing was virtually non-existent.
I don’t even have to think about it. Last week’s grade was a solid “F.”
It didn’t really feel right “liking” this. I hope things pick up for you as the week goes on.
Me too. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a spell like this. Thank you
Oh Bradley, am so sorry… not me will be the one to like such an update, but glad you share it with us… all the best
Thank you, Marie. All the best to you as well.
Maybe you do need to take time away from your novel to write erotica. I find it helps me to have two projects to switch between when I get stuck. Take care of yourself.
Excellent point. Of course, there’s a part of me that says I can’t do that. After all, I don’t read erotica. I’ve only read a couple of books to understand and should read a couple of more to get a full comprehension of the genre. My brain tells me I shouldn’t do that because I won’t be writing. The reality is I could read through several erotic novels this week and that really isn’t that long. Gay erotic novels are selling like crazy these days which would make my writing more of a job than the novel I’m working on, which I happened to have loved writing. So, I’d be doing a job that I don’t necessarily love. Millions/billions of people do that every day. Thank you, Janet, for giving me something to seriously consider.
How about shorter forms – stories or novellas – if you don’t want to commit to a novel. I’ve seen erotic e-novellas everywhere I look.
Good idea
graphic novels (ie. larger page count comic books) are also what the cool kids are doing right now…
Yep. If I had the skills that would be fun. Robert Kirkmans done pretty well for himself with The Walking Dead.
Are there any erotic graphic novels out there?
I don’t know. I’ve never looked for one. I’d be surprised if there aren’t
So sorry last week was so hellish. I hope this week is better. All the best to you.
Thank you, Ann. Always good to hear from you.
I wish for you better days and better feelings. In the meantime, try to be kind to yourself on all fronts. I know personally how hard that can be, but it’s important that we try anyway.
Thank you for the reminder. I do have to be kinder to myself. It’s just one of those things I have to stop and consciously think about doing.
It sounds funny to say that we have to stop and consciously be kind to ourselves, but I feel the same way. It just doesn’t come naturally to me, so I have to be really mindful about it. I don’t always succeed, but I will keep trying.
I’m sorry you had such a sh*t week. I agree with some of the other commenters, maybe you should switch up your writing, even if you’re not trying to publish it, it might be good to get a fresh perspective on things, and who knows you might get something you can publish out of the deal. Hopefully this week is better.
Thank you, Hart. Now it is something I’m seriously considering
Perhaps you might like to try Emile Coué’s method of auto-suggestion, that is, appealing to the unconscious side of you, (rather than to the conscious will). It’s always worked for me. Of course, we’re all different, and it might be wrong for you, but give it a try. See Emile Coué: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89mile_Cou%C3%A9
Thank you, Anne. I’ll take a look
I’m so sorry, I had hoped you were due for the upswing. Bah. Hard to click the Like button. I sure hope this week brings you some good feelings.
Thank you, Joey. It’s been quite a rollercoaster. I’m fine for a few hours and then depressed a few. Exhausting.
It sounds exhausting. 🙁
Sending hugs your way.
thank you!
It’s your Captain speaking, and I hope with all my heart that this week will be waaaaaaaaay better than an “F” –
I understand what it’s like to suffer the way you describe. Ugh,it’s beyond awful. I’m thankful you were able to write about everything so truthfully I gained weight too! 🙁 Yuck all around, eh?
Something was in the air last week – anyway, you’re in my thoughts today, Bradley!
Please, keep us posted, and take good care of yourself. ?
Thank you, Cap’n