Mood
Not sure how I’ve felt. I haven’t been depressed. I haven’t been manic. I think my week was just meh. On the other-hand, I think I’m out of touch with my feelings. I am eating everything I can get my hands on, no matter how hard I try not to. The fridge was stocked full of fresh fruit, which usually keeps me satisfied, but not last week. As sugary as fruit can be, it just wasn’t enough. I needed more, more, more. For me, that’s usually a sign of depression or anxiety. Hopefully, whatever it is, it will be easier on me this week.
On Friday I talked it over extensively with my therapist. We never talked about the root of the problem because we focused on plans of action to help me overcome this so it didn’t leave us time. When I see him again in a couple of weeks, we’ll dig deeper into why I’m eating my life away.
Maurice and I had a long discussion and agreed it’s time I stopped seeing my pdoc every month. I’ve talked with my pdoc a couple of times about this, yet he seems to ignore me. Out of the six meds I take, five of them can have 90 days of refills. The sixth one has addictive tendencies so I can only have a prescription for thirty days. That still doesn’t justify seeing him every month. He can call my prescription in to the pharmacy, or I’d be happy to go to his office and pick up my prescription from the receptionist.
Maurice says he is going to go with me to my next appointment. I don’t know what it is, but Maurice can usually get through to him. Most people see their pdoc for about fifteen minutes every three months, while I’m with mine for about forty-five minutes each and every month. It’s time that has ended.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on Sep 24: 261.6 lbs.
Last week’s Weight and Fitness review ended with this sentence:
Next week I have every expectation that I’ll be giving a better report.
WRONG!
Maurice and I were out of town visiting his parents so I didn’t get weighed. I will say that’s probably a good thing, since I continued to binge as much as the prior week…maybe even more, if that’s possible. I believe the scale most certainly went up since I was weighed on the 24th.
As I said above, it’s been tough for me. Friday at Starbucks was a good example. I was there most of the day writing. I had lunch, and about an hour later I bought their dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Why? I have no idea. I was full from my meal, but I started craving them and when I went to the counter to get a refill on my drink, low and behold, I was buying them. I found no satisfaction from eating them in any way and I knew I wouldn’t. (sigh)
Started last weekend off great in the exercise department, but it dropped off to nonexistent after Monday. I have many excuses, but no good reasons.
Yes, I want to look better, yes I want to have more energy, yes I want my clothes to fit better, yes I don’t want to feel ashamed when people see me eat. All those are great reasons to get in shape, but the primary reason is I don’t want to die young. Generally, people with bipolar have shorter lifespans, but studies have shown if we take care of ourselves, we can live much happier, healthier lives and may even be able to extend our lifespans. I want that so badly, yet it seems so out of reach.
Writing
Overall a good week. I got quite a bit of good writing done. Not as much as I’d have liked, but much better than previous weeks until I reached Chapter Eleven. Chapter Eleven is THE big sex scene. I’m not sure where to go with this. I could easily write an erotic scene with lots of graphic descriptions, but not sure I want to go in that direction. Erotica is more popular now than ever, but I think I really want to go more mainstream. This would make my scene more sensual than sexual. I’ve tried to start it numerous times and have struggled. I decided to skip it and go straight to the morning after and contemplate what to do about the sex.
The other night I had a dream about two of the primary suspects which made me laugh. I rarely remember my dreams, but this one is still very vivid. They’re adults in the manuscript, but were teenagers in my dream. I don’t see how any of it can be used in the novel, but who knows.
I believe I’m still on course to finish by March. Probably earlier than that.
Synopsis
My mood was off a bit. Binging was terrible and I had virtually no exercise. The manuscript is coming along fine. I hit a bump in the road regarding the sex thing, but it’s not like I have writer’s block. I think because of my voracious appetite; I can’t give a good or medium score. It was so bad that I’m giving it a D –
I got an email notification when this went up! The dream is so interesting… getting so into something that it becomes part of your dreams. And as teenagers to. The characters are really coming to life.
When I lived-in Germany and was learning German, I finally knew it was getting into my head when I started dreaming in the language.
Dreaming in German, or any non native language, sounds funny. Glad you got this via the email. I don’t know how many will get notifications in the WordPress reader. Running a backup of the blog before I install their “Fix” but have been getting error messages while trying to do so. Hope to have it fixed by tomorrow. Actually, hoping it fixed itself today, but we’ll see.
I’m not seeing it come up on WordPress reader, and still didn’t get a notification about your comment response… Fingers crossed!!
I’ve read a lot of mysteries and some erotica and the two almost never cross over that I have seen. There is sex in mysteries, but it usually happens between chapters, is implied or suggested, but I’ve never seen graphic portrayal. I was thinking about this the other day, when I was contemplating the sequel to my novel (making the big assumption that the first one gets published). I would like to have sex in it, to make the protagonist more human and well-rounded, but I don’t know how far I can go with it. By then, maybe an agent, editor, or publisher can advise me.
Here’s a link to a popular publisher of erotica. They publish a lot of mysteries, sci-fi, westerns, paranormal, etc. The difference with them is that the “romance” must be #1, and it must have a happy ending. I know a couple of people who write what the publisher is looking for and make a good living off it…full time. I wouldn’t mind churning out a few of them for the bucks, but I would use a pseudonym and it is not where I want to take this story.
Gay fiction does tend to have more graphic sex scenes than most, even if it’s not technically erotica. That is my conundrum.
https://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/
I hope this week goes better for you! I hope Maurice has better luck with the psychiatrist. Like you said of most people, I only see mine every 3 months for 15-20 minutes, unless my meds are being tweaked.
That’s what gets me. I haven’t had a med change in years. Then it’d be a different story
I hope you have a better week this week.
I should give up soda. I’m sure my life would be better if I didn’t drink soda…apart from wanting to drink it and then not being able to drink it, and feeling deprived of soda…
We all have our things.
Yes we do.
Hey friend!
I didn’t see this post come up on my WordPress reader either. Hmmmm. Bummer! Thank God I got the email notification.
I’ve been exhaused since I met my deadline on Saturday night & I emailed my manuscript to my editor. I slept late for the first time today in *years*! I’ll be blogging about it on Friday – I’m extremely excited and kind of terrified, I msut admit, about the editorial process. As I told my therapist Ina, “I’m happy to have this problem!”
But, I’m not happy I’ve still been overeating at night. For me, as you know, it has been due to anxiety with the book deadline & my knee problem (more on that in a sec), and anger issues. You and I will get through this rough patch!!!!! I haven’t been able to exercise either due to an injured, very painful knee. I had to start physical therapy last week. I need my walks with Lucy more than ever & I’m super-frustrated! I’m going to get over-the-counter orthotics, new shoes, and do a couple simple exercises the physical therapist suggested.
As for you, please…..be gentle with yourself about the exercise. You’ll start over again. You always do!
I’m —thrilled—– you had a good writing week, and that’s fascinating (and cool) about your vivid dream about your characters.
Re: pdoc see my pdoc every 6-8 weeks for 1/2 an hour. I totally relate to what you wrote about how you don’t need to see yours so often. I’m glad Maurice can get through to him, and that he is such a wonderful source of support!
hope you’re having a good night, dear Bradley.
XO,
Dy
Off to the editor! I’m super excited for you. I’m still struggling this week with food and exercise, but hopefully I can turn this around. Your support is invaluable. We’ll get through this together.
We will get through it – I binged again last night, but it was with Omega-3 nut mix and low fat vanilla yogurt – BOR-ring!…because there’s no chocolate gelato in this house anymore, LOL!
Starting off the week not so good here too. We’ll turn this around.
Hi I made a determined effort to lose weight about 3 months ago. Reduced carbs and lived on vegetables (i’m vegetarian). Lost 10kg succumbed to a creamy pasta & put half of weight back on. I gave up smoking – but losing weight is something else.
We all know what to do to lose weight. It’s the making it happen that’s the hard part. I wish you luck.
In your sunny part of the world, is there a need for a full-spectrum sun lamp? Or maybe just an effort to go out and sit on your porch a bit? AKA, are you getting enough “outside” “sunshine” time?
It’s hit or miss with me, Rosa. Sometimes I walk during the day, sometimes at night. Sometimes I get out and sometimes I don’t. Sun lamps can make a difference, especially since I live in the beach cities where we normally have clouds in the morning, It was suggested to me by one pdoc ages ago. It’s probably something I should bring up again. Thank you
Speaking of honesty, I appreciate reading such honest words as these. Food–cravings, dependence, etc–is also a sign for me that there’s something deeper going on. Glad your writing is going well ? Have fun with “that scene”!
Ha ha. It will be interesting to see how “that scene” pans out.